Some critics have claimed that this film is a masterpiece of horror. Others that it is a socially irredeemable pile of trash.
But me?
I think Cannibal Holocaust is the worst porno movie ever made.
Follow me here: Out of sync soundtrack? Check. Frontal nudity? Check. Scenes of rough intercourse? Check. A little kink? Check. Cheesy mood music? Check. Terrible mustache? Check. My god, the only argument against it is the whole "eating people" thing. But that's just the hook! You know, like having sex with the pizza delivery guy.
Or Screech.
Still don't believe me? Okay, try this on for size.
Four good-looking young people (!!) prepare to go into the steamy jungle (!!) BY FROLICKING NAKED IN THEIR HOTEL ROOM!!
I could not make this stuff up.
Supposedly there to document never before seen cannibal tribesmen, the director and his writer girlfriend are soon having sex on camera. And before you can say "What do you mean PBS is gonna have to pass?" all three men pin down a defenseless native girl in the mud and rape her. (Do you wonder to yourself if this potentially career-ending crime was captured on camera? Because, HECK YES IT WAS! WHY WOULDN'T IT BE!)
In the meantime, a snobbishly overbearing professor who is perpetually stubbled and smokes a corncob pipe (played by actual porn star Robert Kerman) is sent to search for the four miscreants and their missing film when after months they still do not return from their Filmed like an assignment that got a college sophomore kicked out of film school, (you know, like a bad porn movie), Cannibal Holocaust is not satisfied with just assaulting your prurient senses, either. There are so many actual animals killed in this film that the DVD offers an "animal cruelty-free" version, which I assume must be the opening and closing credits with a few scenes of mosquitoes biting the catering crew.
Right about now you're thinking, "But Mr. Splatter, most other reviews of this walks-like-a-duck porn movie are about the mind-altering scenes it contains depicting vicious cannibalism and over-the-top ritualistic violence, of which there are enough to fill a dozen Quentin Tarantino movies and an episode or two of 'Jersey Shore.' Why oh why didn't you warn us about the grotesquities this movie will eternally haunt us with before we watched it?"
Well, it's simple. The name of the freaking movie is Cannibal Holocaust.
Don't act so surprised.
3 comments:
On a serious note, I would truly caution any animal lovers about watching this film. There is more than one scene of live animals being killed and they are shown in graphic detail.
Because of this blog, I looked it up and watched this movie. To be honest it took me a few times to get through the whole thing (I shut it off and watched TV). Not because of anything too graphic, because I was BORED. I guess in 1980 there would have been some shock factor to it, but now, for me.....the best I can give it is a shrug of the shoulders...........
Yeah, I would agree. It's pretty overrated. I may have been a little generous giving it 2 "pints."
Thanks for popping in.
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