January 19, 2014

CALVAIRE (THE ORDEAL)...Pearls Before Swine

Calvaire (The Ordeal) (NR) 2004
French with English subtitles


Everyone has a dream they know can never come true. For some it's to see a Menudo reunion. For others it's to have been born with an extra limb. And for me it's to hear the pitch that got the movie Calvaire (The Ordeal) financed. I imagine it must have gone something like this:

"Okay, so there's this pig, right? And a singer who can't sing. And a bunch of inbred bearded guys dancing in a pub. And a bad haircut. And an unfunny innkeeper who used to be a comedian. And a puffy coat. And this mildly retarded guy looking for his dog... Did I mention the pig?"

I am not kidding. This movie is like a clown car spewing out one ridiculously insane character after another until you wonder how they all fit in there and what the heck the point of it all was, anyway.

Our "story" begins in a nursing home with Marc Stevens (Laurent Lucas), a Belgian, Las Vegas-style performer (?!?!) singing to prerecorded music under blinking fluorescent lights in front of a dozen or so enraptured septuagenarians. The fact that Marc is the most feminine person in the room and clearly has no talent at all seems to be completely lost on the crowd, so much so that one female admirer visits Marc in his dressing room to ask the young Englebert wannabe to hump her dink. It is quickly apparent Nana would have had better luck with a dishtowel and some fresh produce.

But before Marc can pack up the Mystery Machine and head to the next gig on his highly unanticipated tour, he is stopped by a flirty young nurse and asked for a last hug goodbye. She then hands the stud cupcake an envelope which has his payment in it but is later revealed to also contain nudies and love notes to him. At this point it is obvious that everyone in this film has lost their mind. 


A few hours later (at least it felt like a few hours to this viewer) Marc runs into car trouble. His van breaks down in the middle of a thunderstorm and he must rely on a passing stranger who is inexplicably looking for his dog in the middle of the woods in the rain. The unmedicated crazy person reluctantly agrees to lead him to the local inn where he is met in the wee hours of the night by another unmedicated crazy person and given a room. 

What follows from this point on is a series of ridiculous events with each one being more insane than the last. There is bestiality. There is cross-dressing. There is more "singing." There are bad jokes. There is dancing. There is shooting. There is crying. (That last one is mostly from the audience.)

The film concludes in such a twisted and odd way that you wonder if the filmmakers were just pulling a prank. The plot isn't as much a story as it is a challenge. It's a test of endurance to sit through the entire film without pausing to rub your eyes every five minutes and wonder what in the world just happened.

In short, Calvaire (The Ordeal) is a movie ahead of its time, which is too bad. 

Because its time is never.

BLOOD SPLATTER CINEMA

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