April 7, 2016

HANGER...Some Things Should Stay In The Closet

Hanger (NR) 2009

Let's play a little game. Grab a pencil and a sheet of paper. I'll wait.

All set? Super.

Off the top of your head, jot down five of the most vile acts one human being can perpetrate on another. Make them as foul as your imagination will allow, okay? Really go nuts.

All done? Great. 

Now pick up your paper, crumple it into a ball, light it on fire, throw it onto the floor, and stomp on it until your feet bleed. Because until you've seen Ryan Nicholson's low budget splatterfest Hanger, you don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Let's put it this way: even if it was possible for Slaughtered Vomit Dolls to be impregnated by A Serbian Film, then get shot up with steroids and heroin every day for nine months, and give birth to a ferocious mutant baby, Hanger would just chop the thing into tiny pieces and beat it to death with its own leg. (I'm pretty sure.)

The story centers around the eponymous "Hanger," a man who was badly deformed as the result of a botched back alley abortion. (Get it?) After being scooped off the dirty floor and thrown into a dumpster (I warned you this film was brutal), he is rescued by a homeless crackpot, who for reasons the movie never makes clear, raises him into adulthood.

When he turns 18, Hanger's biological father comes to claim him and introduces him to his world, which turns out to be a bigger freak show for him than living on the streets was. In the old man's reality, women are slutty and stacked, men are violent and stupid, and crabs are really, really big. (You'll just have to take my word for that.)

Soon he befriends a "slanty-eyed retard" (according to dear ole dad) named Russell, a lecherous imbecile who is every bit as repulsive as Hanger is. (As an aside, the director must have allowed his over-eager makeup designer to have full reign over the production, since every other character's face looks like it's either growing out of control or about to melt off.)

Russell is more than just a pretty face. He's the movie's "comedy relief." Watching him microwaving puppies and brewing hot tea from a used tampon is both absolutely disgusting and shamefully funny. The ad-libs he tosses out as he and Hanger work in the junkyard or drink beer on their ratty couch are by far the best parts of the film.

Once all the characters are in place, the plot quickly devolves into a garbled mess of revenge, soft-core porn and slapstick.

Dad wants to kill Leroy (a black pimp who looks more Irish than African-American) for performing the botched abortion that killed his hooker lover. Russell wants to get even with co-worker Phil for raping him in his sleep (long story). The junkyard's sexy secretary Nicole wants to lay on her desk and defile herself with a kitty pen. And Hanger wants to eat a baby.

At this point you may be asking yourself, "what the hell?" which is ironic considering it's what you'll be saying every 3 or 4 minutes when you actually watch this gloriously gory cow turd.

Yes, it looks like it was shot on used film stock. Yes, it sounds like the dialogue was recorded with an iPhone. Yes, it will make you want to take an acid bath every day for the rest of your life. But doggone it, this grimy dung heap of a movie oozes so much stomach-churning putrescence that it's got to be seen to be believed.  

In other words my Chatter Chums, Hanger is a feast of filth.

So screw up your nerve, turn off the phone, and close the blinds. Cover the furniture in plastic sheeting. Grab a moist towelette or two. And prepare yourself for one of the most unsanitary film experiences you have ever endured.

But when it's all over, do us both a favor.

Never mention it again.  

 Hanger Trailer

Thank you to SC reader Jim Schneck for recommending this film.

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