CALVAIRE (THE ORDEAL)...Pearls Before Swine

Calvaire (The Ordeal) (NR) 2004

French with English subtitles

Everyone has a dream they know can never come true. For some it's to see a Menudo reunion. For others it's to have been born with an extra limb. And for me it's to hear the pitch that got the movie Calvaire (The Ordeal) financed. I imagine it must have gone something like this:

"Okay, so there's this pig, right? And a singer who can't sing. And a bunch of inbred bearded guys dancing in a pub. And a bad haircut. And an unfunny innkeeper who used to be a comedian. And a puffy coat. And this mildly retarded guy looking for his dog... Did I mention the pig?"

I am not kidding. This movie is like a clown car spewing out one ridiculously insane character after another until you wonder how they all fit in there and what the heck the point of it all was, anyway.

MARTYRS...God! I've Been Dying To See You!

Martyrs (NR) 2008

French with English subtitles

Revenge is a lot like my Aunt Gwennie's creamed chipmunk gazpacho. They're both best served cold (believe it or not), they both are surprisingly sweet, and when they backfire on you, well...everyone gets hurt. 

In Pascal Laugier's blood-soaked horror Martyrs, everyone does indeed get hurt. Some quickly, some in painful and unique ways, some by their own hand, and some by the hand of God. This amazing film pulls absolutely no punches. It is the Mike Tyson of genre movies. It will jab you in the face for hours until you think it's getting tired, and then it leans in and bites your ear off.

HIGH TENSION (HAUTE TENSION)...Hi Tension, Bye Logic

High Tension (Haute Tension) (NR) 2003
French with English subtitles


"You're kidding me, right?"
"Um, so what just happened there?"
"Could we just start over or something?!?"

No, this is not the transcript from Kanye West and Kim Kardashian's honeymoon. These are the immediate reactions that I had at the end of this ridiculously sloppy and haphazardly made French home invasion slash psychological thriller, High Tension. To call this movie a disappointment would be a colossal understatement. In fact, a better description for this bloody mess would be "a huge and utter waste of time." SPOILER: It sucks.

Still interested?

Fine.

INSIDE (A L'INTERIEUR)...A Persuasive Argument for Child-Proofing Your Lower Intestine

Inside (A L'interieur) (R) 2007 
French with English subtitles


You know, it's not easy being a single mother-to-be. There are so many things to worry about. Like how are you going to get to the hospital when the big day comes? And how can you be expected to work and take care of a baby at the same time? And how are you supposed to keep strange women dressed in unflattering BDSM costumes from breaking into your home and slicing through your abdomen with your own ridiculously large knitting shears? And where does one buy Diaper Genie refills these days? Seriously.

It's a wonder women still get pregnant at all.