THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

Not Rated
1972
 
Seventeen year old Mari has the worst birthday ever when she and her friend Phyllis try to purchase some gateway drugs and instead find themselves the involuntary guests of freshly escaped convict Krug and his cast of human detritus. After taking the girls into the woods to perform acts that even Spanish Inquisitors would be like, "Oh hell no," the girls are murdered. In a perfectly reasonable coincidence, the gang accidentally shows up at Mari's house where their identity and Mari's fate are exposed. Mari's parents exact revenge in not very nice ways which in turn ruins most of their furniture. Though not great, this film gets one pint for its ridiculous soundtrack and four because David Hess is a freaking lunatic.

Last House On The Left Trailer 

THE EVIL DEAD

Rated NC-17
1981

Five college-aged dimwits drive like jerks to an isolated cabin in the woods that even the cast of Good Times would find beneath them, and unwittingly unleash demonic forces that cause them to lose appendages and get on each other's nerves. Head dimwit Ash (the groovy Bruce Campbell) uses his resolve and massive chin to save the day and prep for the sequels. Gory and endearing, this film is a true horror classic. Includes an infamous scene of a woman having non-consensual sex with shrubbery.

The Evil Dead Trailer

SLAUGHTERED VOMIT DOLLS... Because Who Doesn't Enjoy Watching Someone Else Puke?

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (NR) 2006

I have a habit of watching films based solely on their title. I can't help myself. The more ridiculously named the movie is, the more I feel the need to watch it. 

Needless to say this system doesn't always work out so well. 

Oh sure, sometimes you get lucky and find a boneheaded classic like Sharktopus, or enjoy a fun but mediocre film like Zombie Strippers. But more often than not, by the time the ending credits roll, you're just relieved to have survived another 90 minute exercise in incoherent film-making. 

So it is with Slaughtered Vomit Dolls. 

A SERBIAN FILM... Lights... Camera... Dysfunction!

A Serbian Film (Sprski Film) (NC-17) 2010

Serbian with English subtitles

What the hell, Serbia?

I assume not every citizen of your country is a hooded sex freak doped up on horse amphetamines. But my god, how many are there?

Because I need to tell you, A Serbian Film makes it seem like a lot.

GROTESQUE (GUROTESUKU)... Separating the Men From Their Boys

Grotesque (Gurotesuku) (NR) 2009

Japanese with English subtitles

You know how you watch certain films and maybe lose track of the characters? "Wait, I thought she was the one who glued the neighbor's cats together?"

Or the continuity? "Wasn't it just summertime? Where'd that decapitated bobsled team come from?"

Or the plot? "So you're telling me the inbred lunatics running around in plastic sheeting are not trying to torture and kill every human being in town, they just need directions to the Gallagher show?" 

Well, have I got good news for you!

SALÒ...Eat Poop and Die

Salò (The 120 Days of Sodom) (NR) 1975

Italian with English subtitles


So here's the thing.

I want to tell you about this film. I want to impress on you how deranged it is. I want to make you aware that even after watching three-thousand, four-hundred and ninety-seven other movies over the course of your lifetime (give or take) you will never forget the feeling you had after watching this hate-infested cesspool. And yet, paradoxically, I also believe the entire plot of Pier Paolo Pasolini's Salò can be summed up in one word:

OHMYFREAKIN'GODWHATTHEHELL!

Yep, that pretty much covers it.

But for those members of the readership who enjoy this blog for its humorous asides and hysterically funny commentary (a.k.a. "Mom"), I will go on.

ZOMBIE...Jump the Shark

Zombie (Zombi 2) (NR) 1979


There are any number of horrible film images that will permanently stain your psyche like coffee on a car seat. There is the alien playing "peekaboo" from John Hurt's chest cavity. There is the head of a bespectacled "scanner" exploding like a ripe melon. There is Kristen Stewart "acting."

But every so often a film comes along that leaves an actual patina on one's cerebral cortex. (Stop being so whiny and look it up.)  

Zombie is one of those movies.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2 (FULL SEQUENCE)...Black And White And Dread All Over

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (NR) 2011

 
So you're thinking about watching The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) on the old DVD player tonight, huh? Maybe turn out the lights, grab a pizza or whatever. Sounds fun. Oh, just one thing.
It was nice knowing ya.

What's that? You've been watching horror movies since you were in utero and have seen everything from a melon baller disembowelment to self-decapitation with a spork? Really? You know what I have to say to that, tough guy?

I freaking DARE you.

CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST... Boom-Chicka-Wow-OW!!

Cannibal Holocaust (NR) 1980

Some critics have claimed that this film is a masterpiece of horror. Others that it is a socially irredeemable pile of trash.

But me? 

I think Cannibal Holocaust is the worst porno movie ever made.