SLEEPAWAY CAMP

Rated R
1983

Shy Angela Baker is at Camp Arawak having the worst summer of her life. Besides dealing with mean girls, an awkward crush and a male counselor who's tight gym shorts indicate he's always happy to see her, she must overcome a childhood trauma that causes her to sit by herself and stare into space a lot. When a killer begins slaughtering cooks, counselors and campers in increasingly diabolical ways, Angela is forced to confront her tragic past to survive. With clever kills, a corny but fun script and a surprise ending that will leave you clawing at your eyes and mumbling incoherently, Sleepaway Camp is a true slasher classic. Followed by three really awful sequels.

Sleepaway Camp Trailer

AUDITION

Rated R
1999
Japanese

A widowed film producer tries to find a girlfriend the old-fashioned way—by inviting pretty young ladies to audition for movies that don't exist. Falling for the hot but "damn that girl is crazy" Asami, he discovers too late that lonely heart strings may ache but piano wire cuts like a mother. Takashi Miike's gore-fest is a test of endurance that will leave you on pins and a whole lot of very sharp, very long needles, while sociopath Asami's gleeful "tee-dee, tee-dee, tee-dee" will haunt all your English subtitled nightmares forever.


Audition Trailer

ERASERHEAD...For Argument's Sake

Eraserhead (NR) 1977

Promising careers have gone kaput, marriages have been shattered, and long term friendships have been flushed down the toilet, simply because no one at the beginning of the relationship thought to ask, "How do you feel about Eraserhead?"

Director David Lynch's seminal classic may be the most polarizing film ever made. There are only two types of people in this world: those who consider Eraserhead an anxiety strewn nightmare caught on film, and morons.

A SERBIAN FILM... Lights... Camera... Dysfunction!

A Serbian Film (Sprski Film) (NC-17) 2010

Serbian with English subtitles

What the hell, Serbia?

I assume not every citizen of your country is a hooded sex freak doped up on horse amphetamines. But my god, how many are there?

Because I need to tell you, A Serbian Film makes it seem like a lot.

FEAST...Flesh And Bone Appetit

Feast (R) 2005

There are rules.

You can't chew gum in school. You can't play "pull my finger" at work. You can't drive naked through a Taco Bell drive thru and order a cheesy gordita. (Even though I'm sure there were no signs.) Without rules, society would break down, the world would be plunged into utter chaos, and I don't even like your stupid cheesy gorditas anyway, you corporate fascists. 

Horror movies are no different. There are certain do's and don'ts to be followed, and diehard fans of the genre know them all. (For example, teenagers who have sex in a cabin while a 6' 9" hatchet killer is on the loose may not have half a brain in their heads, but soon half a brain is all they'll have in their heads.) The familiarity found in most teen scream movies is part of their appeal, and knowing the rules is like gaining membership into an exclusive club, only without all that pesky "human interaction" and "need for hygiene."

Because of this familiarity, film makers have found new ground to till. Movies like Scream and Cabin In the Woods skirt these unwritten rules while winking knowingly at the audience who they assume is in on the joke. But there are also a few films that not only wink at the audience, they slap them on the ass and guffaw in their face.

Feast, a horror comedy from 2005, is an excellent example.

LAID TO REST...Death by Stupidity

Laid To Rest (R) 2009

I loved everything about this movie, except maybe the acting. And the characters. And the plot. And the dialogue. And the pacing. And that it made me want to bash my face in with a tire iron.

In short, Laid To Rest is the most awesome piece of film making I have ever seen, if by "film making" you mean "oh my god, somebody kill me."

THE DEVIL'S REJECTS...Clowns To the Left of Me, Chokers To the Right

The Devil's Rejects (NR) 2005

 
This movie has its own smell, contains more blood and filth than a Manson family reunion, and is so grimy it left a sticky film on my television screen.

Boys and girls, The Devil's Rejects is a thing of beauty.

Rob Zombie's sequel to his "meh" debut House of 1000 Corpses is a western-flavored, savage cinema feature that is saturated with body fluids and ill will. The story is such a cesspool that the DVD comes out of the case damp. To put it bluntly, even though it is more focused than its predecessor and takes place mostly in the light of day, Rejects is a very dark movie.

IRREVERSIBLE... Extinguish All Hope

Irreversible (NR) 2002
French with English subtitles


Before presenting you with another 100% guaranteed, talent-free review, here are three things about the movie you should know.

First, the story is presented in reverse order, meaning the beginning scenes come at the end and the end scenes start at the beginning. (This is only confusing if you try to follow the plot.)

Second, there are two infamous moments in the film that are so vile (each for different reasons) that no self-respecting fan of graphically disturbing movies should consider their viewing history complete without successfully enduring them.

And third, director Gaspar Noe included in the film a cameo of himself masturbating, which he claimed was to prevent critics from labeling him "homophobic." Unfortunately there is no word on what Noe would have done had critics threatened to label him "Mr. Poopy Pants" or had given him a swirly in the boys' bathroom between takes.

A HORRIBLE WAY TO DIE...My Boyfriend's Back and You're Gonna Be In Treatment

A Horrible Way To Die (R) 2010


Breakups. They're just the worst, right? You meet someone, invite them to coffee, help them move, tattoo their name on your neck, pay their way through college, and before you know it, you're planning a second date.

But then the trouble starts.

"Where was he till 4 a.m.?" You wonder.
"Whose blood is that on his collar?" You stew.
"Why does he smell like the mailman who's been missing since last Thursday?" You stew and wonder.

Inevitably the reassurances of "I love you," and "You know I only have eyes for you here in my pocket," turn into "I want space," and "It's not you it's me," and "I think I need to kill other people..."

Until once again you're left to pick up the pieces, or at least point them out to the local authorities, and move on. Leaving you to ask the same old question:

"Why are all the good ones always taken into custody?"

Well, if that's your story, then this snappy little independent film, A Horrible Way To Die, is right up your alley. And if not? It's still better than speed dating.