INTRUDER

Rated R
1989

Someone inside the Walnut Lake Market has taken "everything must go" a little too seriously. While working after hours to slash prices, an anonymous killer is using the store's own machinery to slash the staff, causing a clean-up in aisles three, four and nine, and generally ruining any chance of getting a good referral. When one survivor outlasts her expiration date, the killer is exposed and the real horror begins. This lesser known slasher has great practical effects and features Bruce Campbell, Sam Raimi and Ted Raimi in small but memorable roles. Though flawed, Intruder is a gory good time.


Intruder Trailer

HATCHET

Rated R
2006

While at Mardi Gras, Ben and Marcus take a break from their casual misogyny and a sudden bead obsession to enjoy a nighttime swamp tour. But the college kid who runs the thing makes Gilligan and the Skipper look like Oliver Hazard Perry. Soon the boat is kaput and the tourists are stranded. Stumbling through the swamp they find the home of scary local legend Victor Crowley, who as a kid was caught in a fire, chopped in the face with a hatchet, and forced to wear really big overalls. Hilarity ensues as one by one the tourists are made messily incomplete by the real Crowley, a towering hulk of muscle desperately in need of a haircut who apparently abhors unannounced company. With gags galore, clever dialogue, and a surprisingly coherent story, this throwback to classic 80s horror is a solid entry to the slasher canon.  

 

Hatchet Trailer                            

                                                

FEAST...Flesh And Bone Appetit

Feast (R) 2005

There are rules.

You can't chew gum in school. You can't play "pull my finger" at work. You can't drive naked through a Taco Bell drive thru and order a cheesy gordita. (Even though I'm sure there were no signs.) Without rules, society would break down, the world would be plunged into utter chaos, and I don't even like your stupid cheesy gorditas anyway, you corporate fascists. 

Horror movies are no different. There are certain do's and don'ts to be followed, and diehard fans of the genre know them all. (For example, teenagers who have sex in a cabin while a 6' 9" hatchet killer is on the loose may not have half a brain in their heads, but soon half a brain is all they'll have in their heads.) The familiarity found in most teen scream movies is part of their appeal, and knowing the rules is like gaining membership into an exclusive club, only without all that pesky "human interaction" and "need for hygiene."

Because of this familiarity, film makers have found new ground to till. Movies like Scream and Cabin In the Woods skirt these unwritten rules while winking knowingly at the audience who they assume is in on the joke. But there are also a few films that not only wink at the audience, they slap them on the ass and guffaw in their face.

Feast, a horror comedy from 2005, is an excellent example.

YOU'RE NEXT...The Family That Slays Together...

You're Next (R) 2011


Family reunions. What a pain!

There's the yelling, and the screaming, and the arrows through the head and whatnot. I mean, really. Can't we for once just have a nice meal without someone getting their feelings hurt or their throat slashed? 

Is that really too much to ask?

Well, if you happen to be a member of the hyper-dysfunctional Davison clan in director Adam Wingard's excellent horror thriller You're Next, the answer to that question is "don't make me kill you."

HIGH TENSION (HAUTE TENSION)...Hi Tension, Bye Logic

High Tension (Haute Tension) (NR) 2003
French with English subtitles


"You're kidding me, right?"
"Um, so what just happened there?"
"Could we just start over or something?!?"

No, this is not the transcript from Kanye West and Kim Kardashian's honeymoon. These are the immediate reactions that I had at the end of this ridiculously sloppy and haphazardly made French home invasion slash psychological thriller, High Tension. To call this movie a disappointment would be a colossal understatement. In fact, a better description for this bloody mess would be "a huge and utter waste of time." SPOILER: It sucks.

Still interested?

Fine.

EDEN LAKE...With This Ring I Thee Bled

Eden Lake (R) 2008


Sometimes vacations just don't pan out the way you plan them: the car gets a flat tire, the locals eye you suspiciously over your eggs and bacon, and gangs of teenage miscreants stalk you through the woods like little Rambos with acne and braces. It's enough to make you want to stay home and scrub toilets with your Rick Steves souvenir scarf. In Eden Lake, a well made, small-budget British horror film, these strange mishaps not only occur, but quickly escalate into something more sinister.

Our hero Steve (Michael Fassbender) has planned a romantic surprise. Having completely lost his mind, he's decided to "pop the question" to his school teacher girlfriend, Jenny (Kelly Reilly). And guys, what more romantic place could a young couple in love get surprise-hitched than at a remote and abandoned quarry surrounded by hurricane fences, heavy machinery and scrub brush? Seriously, am I to understand that Laser Quest was all booked up? (Apparently our friend Steve has never had a girlfriend before.)