HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER

Not Rated
1986

For ex-con Henry, there is no right side of the bed. Every day, unburdened by a conscience or even a good comb, he roams the countryside slaughtering men, women and children with all the emotion of a goth chick on Thorazine. When the oafish Otis is introduced to Henry's slasher shenanigans, the pair leave a trail of viscera that even the Marquis de Sade would find distasteful. Tensions build after Otis' sister Becky enters the scene and is immediately smitten by Henry's dirty wife-beater undershirt and an apparent ability to go days without blinking. Full of splattered tubs, human stubs and a luggage nightmare even United Airlines couldn't top, Henry doesn't just leave an emotional scar. It gives you one. 

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer Trailer

AUDITION

Rated R
1999
Japanese

A widowed film producer tries to find a girlfriend the old-fashioned way—by inviting pretty young ladies to audition for movies that don't exist. Falling for the hot but "damn that girl is crazy" Asami, he discovers too late that lonely heart strings may ache but piano wire cuts like a mother. Takashi Miike's gore-fest is a test of endurance that will leave you on pins and a whole lot of very sharp, very long needles, while sociopath Asami's gleeful "tee-dee, tee-dee, tee-dee" will haunt all your English subtitled nightmares forever.


Audition Trailer

ERASERHEAD...For Argument's Sake

Eraserhead (NR) 1977

Promising careers have gone kaput, marriages have been shattered, and long term friendships have been flushed down the toilet, simply because no one at the beginning of the relationship thought to ask, "How do you feel about Eraserhead?"

Director David Lynch's seminal classic may be the most polarizing film ever made. There are only two types of people in this world: those who consider Eraserhead an anxiety strewn nightmare caught on film, and morons.

A SERBIAN FILM... Lights... Camera... Dysfunction!

A Serbian Film (Sprski Film) (NC-17) 2010

Serbian with English subtitles

What the hell, Serbia?

I assume not every citizen of your country is a hooded sex freak doped up on horse amphetamines. But my god, how many are there?

Because I need to tell you, A Serbian Film makes it seem like a lot.

SALÒ...Eat Poop and Die

Salò (The 120 Days of Sodom) (NR) 1975

Italian with English subtitles


So here's the thing.

I want to tell you about this film. I want to impress on you how deranged it is. I want to make you aware that even after watching three-thousand, four-hundred and ninety-seven other movies over the course of your lifetime (give or take) you will never forget the feeling you had after watching this hate-infested cesspool. And yet, paradoxically, I also believe the entire plot of Pier Paolo Pasolini's Salò can be summed up in one word:

OHMYFREAKIN'GODWHATTHEHELL!

Yep, that pretty much covers it.

But for those members of the readership who enjoy this blog for its humorous asides and hysterically funny commentary (a.k.a. "Mom"), I will go on.

IRREVERSIBLE... Extinguish All Hope

Irreversible (NR) 2002
French with English subtitles


Before presenting you with another 100% guaranteed, talent-free review, here are three things about the movie you should know.

First, the story is presented in reverse order, meaning the beginning scenes come at the end and the end scenes start at the beginning. (This is only confusing if you try to follow the plot.)

Second, there are two infamous moments in the film that are so vile (each for different reasons) that no self-respecting fan of graphically disturbing movies should consider their viewing history complete without successfully enduring them.

And third, director Gaspar Noe included in the film a cameo of himself masturbating, which he claimed was to prevent critics from labeling him "homophobic." Unfortunately there is no word on what Noe would have done had critics threatened to label him "Mr. Poopy Pants" or had given him a swirly in the boys' bathroom between takes.

ANTICHRIST...50 Ways to Cleave Your Lover

Antichrist (NR) 2009

All the cool kids were doing it. That's really my only excuse. 

I was a sophomore in college. I was impressionable. And they told me it would expand my mind and make me feel things I'd never felt before. That I'd see amazing colors and hear beautiful music. But they failed to mention the nightmares. Or the panicked confusion. Or the uncontrollable urge to throw up.

But once I realized how much I was hurting myself, how much irreperable damage I was doing to my brain, I took control, quit cold turkey, and never looked back. 

Until now.

Because you see, after 30 years of being away from that scene, I suddenly felt compelled to do it again. I didn't want to, I swear. I knew from friends that I was going to see talking animals and acorns falling from the sky. But I couldn't help myself. I'm ashamed to say that in a moment of weakness, I fell off the wagon and watched *gasp*...

AN ART HOUSE MOVIE! (I'm sorry, mom.)