AUDITION

Rated R
1999
Japanese

A widowed film producer tries to find a girlfriend the old-fashioned way—by inviting pretty young ladies to audition for movies that don't exist. Falling for the hot but "damn that girl is crazy" Asami, he discovers too late that lonely heart strings may ache but piano wire cuts like a mother. Takashi Miike's gore-fest is a test of endurance that will leave you on pins and a whole lot of very sharp, very long needles, while sociopath Asami's gleeful "tee-dee, tee-dee, tee-dee" will haunt all your English subtitled nightmares forever.


Audition Trailer

RE-ANIMATOR

Not Rated
1985

Miskatonic University medical student Herbert West may be brilliant but he's also a bit of a whack-a-doodle, especially with the whole "decapitating the annoying professor" thing. But before he ever wields his deadly shovel, his glowing "re-agent" formula is used to bring to life his roommate's dead pet Rufus, a fabulously disgusting hunk of fur and claws. (Also known as "a cat.") Herbert's crazy experiments predictably get him barred from the school and more whack-a-doodleness ensues. Infamous for a scene that redefines "giving head" but not in a good way, this is the movie that made Jeffrey Combs a horror icon. Funny and, uh...very moist, Re-Animator is a gory good time.

Re-Animator Trailer

SPLINTER

Rated R
2008

A tar-like substance has inexplicably shown up in the middle of the Sherman Gas-and-Go's parking lot and those unfortunate enough to come in contact with it are quickly turned into bone-cracking zombies with porcupine needles sticking out of their faces, which as you can imagine is kind of a downer. So much so that the white-trash convicts and nerdy campers trapped inside the station decide to work together to prevent their own "quill-tastrophe" from happening. Lots of amazing gags (including an almost too realistic field amputation), tight pacing, and a standout performance by Shea Whigham turn this little creature feature into a sharp *ahem* thriller. 

Splinter Trailer

HANGER...Some Things Should Stay In The Closet

Hanger (NR) 2009

Let's play a little game. Grab a pencil and a sheet of paper. I'll wait.

All set? Super.

Off the top of your head, jot down five of the most vile acts one human being can perpetrate on another. Make them as foul as your imagination will allow, okay? Really go nuts.

All done? Great. 

Now pick up your paper, crumple it into a ball, light it on fire, throw it onto the floor, and stomp on it until your feet bleed. Because until you've seen Ryan Nicholson's low budget splatterfest Hanger, you don't know what the hell you're talking about.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 (FINAL SEQUENCE)...The Bitter End

The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) (NR) 2015

The Human Centipede: A crazy surgeon sews three people together ass to mouth just to prove that he can.

The Human Centipede II: A mentally disturbed garage attendant staples ten people together ass to mouth after watching the The Human Centipede.

The Human Centipede III: A fascist prison warden decides to sew 500 inmates together ass to mouth after viewing The Human Centipede II.

I don't have inside information on what the plot of a Human Centipede IV might be, but following the above pattern, I assume it would involve a guy in surgical scrubs sewing 1000 theater-goers together ass to mouth as they wait in line to purchase tickets to Human Centipede III.

ERASERHEAD...For Argument's Sake

Eraserhead (NR) 1977

Promising careers have gone kaput, marriages have been shattered, and long term friendships have been flushed down the toilet, simply because no one at the beginning of the relationship thought to ask, "How do you feel about Eraserhead?"

Director David Lynch's seminal classic may be the most polarizing film ever made. There are only two types of people in this world: those who consider Eraserhead an anxiety strewn nightmare caught on film, and morons.

SLAUGHTERED VOMIT DOLLS... Because Who Doesn't Enjoy Watching Someone Else Puke?

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (NR) 2006

I have a habit of watching films based solely on their title. I can't help myself. The more ridiculously named the movie is, the more I feel the need to watch it. 

Needless to say this system doesn't always work out so well. 

Oh sure, sometimes you get lucky and find a boneheaded classic like Sharktopus, or enjoy a fun but mediocre film like Zombie Strippers. But more often than not, by the time the ending credits roll, you're just relieved to have survived another 90 minute exercise in incoherent film-making. 

So it is with Slaughtered Vomit Dolls. 

SALÒ...Eat Poop and Die

Salò (The 120 Days of Sodom) (NR) 1975

Italian with English subtitles


So here's the thing.

I want to tell you about this film. I want to impress on you how deranged it is. I want to make you aware that even after watching three-thousand, four-hundred and ninety-seven other movies over the course of your lifetime (give or take) you will never forget the feeling you had after watching this hate-infested cesspool. And yet, paradoxically, I also believe the entire plot of Pier Paolo Pasolini's Salò can be summed up in one word:

OHMYFREAKIN'GODWHATTHEHELL!

Yep, that pretty much covers it.

But for those members of the readership who enjoy this blog for its humorous asides and hysterically funny commentary (a.k.a. "Mom"), I will go on.

CONTRACTED...Can't Touch This

Contracted (NR) 2013


Sometimes you can tell right away when it's going to be a bad day.

You wake up late. Yank out a couple black fingernails in the shower. Forget to turn on the coffeemaker. Pull tangled clumps of hair out of your brush. Burn the toast. Spit bloody molars into the sink. Lose the car keys. Find a toe in your sock.

You know, the kind of day you'd call off of work in a heartbeat if you had any sick time left.

Or a heartbeat.

But instead you suck it up, use your good eye to find the door, and drag your sorry carcass to work. Because after all, even though you've been leaving piles of wriggling maggots in your wake all morning, you really need this job. And besides, those chicken wings and mozzarella sticks aren't going to serve themselves!