HEADLESS

Not Rated
2015

A feel good story about a boy kept in a cage by his crazy mother and sadistic sister who sees visions of a pasty prepubescent kid in a skull mask which causes him to grow up and rape decapitated heads and chew milk-filled eyeballs while hiding scores of half-naked corpses in a muddy cave alongside a faceless mannequin (who wears a shade of lipstick that's not right for her). Afterwards, he tries to avoid a perturbed would-be victim who wants to smash his viscera encrusted face in with a severed human leg. Perfect for fans who don't have all day to vomit. A companion film to the critically acclaimed Found. Recommended for aspiring sociopaths and disgruntled optometrists. 

Headless Trailer

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER

Not Rated
1986

For ex-con Henry, there is no right side of the bed. Every day, unburdened by a conscience or even a good comb, he roams the countryside slaughtering men, women and children with all the emotion of a goth chick on Thorazine. When the oafish Otis is introduced to Henry's slasher shenanigans, the pair leave a trail of viscera that even the Marquis de Sade would find distasteful. Tensions build after Otis' sister Becky enters the scene and is immediately smitten by Henry's dirty wife-beater undershirt and an apparent ability to go days without blinking. Full of splattered tubs, human stubs and a luggage nightmare even United Airlines couldn't top, Henry doesn't just leave an emotional scar. It gives you one. 

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer Trailer

THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE

Rated R
1982

While her parents are away, Trish invites her friends over to model skimpy pajamas and giggle for no reason. In an absolutely believable coincidence, a murderous lunatic with crazy eyebrows and a super-hip denim outfit has escaped the mental institution and is now making his way to town. Having memorized the script, Mr. Killy-pants heads to their house and begins terrorizing the apparently twenty-seven year old teenagers with an enormous power drill that is completely non-metaphorical and has nothing to do with male domination or penises. Written and directed by women, this casually misogynistic movie was originally conceived as a parody but somehow got filmed as a straight ahead slasher, making it uniquely droll and delightful. Warning: not recommended for pizza delivery drivers.

The Slumber Party Massacre

INTRUDER

Rated R
1989

Someone inside the Walnut Lake Market has taken "everything must go" a little too seriously. While working after hours to slash prices, an anonymous killer is using the store's own machinery to slash the staff, causing a clean-up in aisles three, four and nine, and generally ruining any chance of getting a good referral. When one survivor outlasts her expiration date, the killer is exposed and the real horror begins. This lesser known slasher has great practical effects and features Bruce Campbell, Sam Raimi and Ted Raimi in small but memorable roles. Though flawed, Intruder is a gory good time.


Intruder Trailer

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

Not Rated
1972
 
Seventeen year old Mari has the worst birthday ever when she and her friend Phyllis try to purchase some gateway drugs and instead find themselves the involuntary guests of freshly escaped convict Krug and his cast of human detritus. After taking the girls into the woods to perform acts that even Spanish Inquisitors would be like, "Oh hell no," the girls are murdered. In a perfectly reasonable coincidence, the gang accidentally shows up at Mari's house where their identity and Mari's fate are exposed. Mari's parents exact revenge in not very nice ways which in turn ruins most of their furniture. Though not great, this film gets one pint for its ridiculous soundtrack and four because David Hess is a freaking lunatic.

Last House On The Left Trailer 

TOKYO GORE POLICE...Armed To The Teeth

Tokyo Gore Police
(Tokyo Zankoku Keisatsu) (NR) 2008

Trying to top the carnage of his earlier films Suicide Club (2001) and Noriko's Dinner Table (2005), Yoshihiro Nishimura goes full-bore gore in this mutant military mashup that falls squarely between Blade Runner and Ichi the Killer.

Visually it's a gore-hound's wet dream, though the plot is so convoluted that even David Lynch is scratching his head in bewilderment.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 (FINAL SEQUENCE)...The Bitter End

The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) (NR) 2015

The Human Centipede: A crazy surgeon sews three people together ass to mouth just to prove that he can.

The Human Centipede II: A mentally disturbed garage attendant staples ten people together ass to mouth after watching the The Human Centipede.

The Human Centipede III: A fascist prison warden decides to sew 500 inmates together ass to mouth after viewing The Human Centipede II.

I don't have inside information on what the plot of a Human Centipede IV might be, but following the above pattern, I assume it would involve a guy in surgical scrubs sewing 1000 theater-goers together ass to mouth as they wait in line to purchase tickets to Human Centipede III.

SLAUGHTERED VOMIT DOLLS... Because Who Doesn't Enjoy Watching Someone Else Puke?

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (NR) 2006

I have a habit of watching films based solely on their title. I can't help myself. The more ridiculously named the movie is, the more I feel the need to watch it. 

Needless to say this system doesn't always work out so well. 

Oh sure, sometimes you get lucky and find a boneheaded classic like Sharktopus, or enjoy a fun but mediocre film like Zombie Strippers. But more often than not, by the time the ending credits roll, you're just relieved to have survived another 90 minute exercise in incoherent film-making. 

So it is with Slaughtered Vomit Dolls. 

A SERBIAN FILM... Lights... Camera... Dysfunction!

A Serbian Film (Sprski Film) (NC-17) 2010

Serbian with English subtitles

What the hell, Serbia?

I assume not every citizen of your country is a hooded sex freak doped up on horse amphetamines. But my god, how many are there?

Because I need to tell you, A Serbian Film makes it seem like a lot.