HEADLESS

Not Rated
2015

A feel good story about a boy kept in a cage by his crazy mother and sadistic sister who sees visions of a pasty prepubescent kid in a skull mask which causes him to grow up and rape decapitated heads and chew milk-filled eyeballs while hiding scores of half-naked corpses in a muddy cave alongside a faceless mannequin (who wears a shade of lipstick that's not right for her). Afterwards, he tries to avoid a perturbed would-be victim who wants to smash his viscera encrusted face in with a severed human leg. Perfect for fans who don't have all day to vomit. A companion film to the critically acclaimed Found. Recommended for aspiring sociopaths and disgruntled optometrists. 

Headless Trailer

HATCHET

Rated R
2006

While at Mardi Gras, Ben and Marcus take a break from their casual misogyny and a sudden bead obsession to enjoy a nighttime swamp tour. But the college kid who runs the thing makes Gilligan and the Skipper look like Oliver Hazard Perry. Soon the boat is kaput and the tourists are stranded. Stumbling through the swamp they find the home of scary local legend Victor Crowley, who as a kid was caught in a fire, chopped in the face with a hatchet, and forced to wear really big overalls. Hilarity ensues as one by one the tourists are made messily incomplete by the real Crowley, a towering hulk of muscle desperately in need of a haircut who apparently abhors unannounced company. With gags galore, clever dialogue, and a surprisingly coherent story, this throwback to classic 80s horror is a solid entry to the slasher canon.  

 

Hatchet Trailer                            

                                                

RE-ANIMATOR

Not Rated
1985

Miskatonic University medical student Herbert West may be brilliant but he's also a bit of a whack-a-doodle, especially with the whole "decapitating the annoying professor" thing. But before he ever wields his deadly shovel, his glowing "re-agent" formula is used to bring to life his roommate's dead pet Rufus, a fabulously disgusting hunk of fur and claws. (Also known as "a cat.") Herbert's crazy experiments predictably get him barred from the school and more whack-a-doodleness ensues. Infamous for a scene that redefines "giving head" but not in a good way, this is the movie that made Jeffrey Combs a horror icon. Funny and, uh...very moist, Re-Animator is a gory good time.

Re-Animator Trailer

TOKYO GORE POLICE...Armed To The Teeth

Tokyo Gore Police
(Tokyo Zankoku Keisatsu) (NR) 2008

Trying to top the carnage of his earlier films Suicide Club (2001) and Noriko's Dinner Table (2005), Yoshihiro Nishimura goes full-bore gore in this mutant military mashup that falls squarely between Blade Runner and Ichi the Killer.

Visually it's a gore-hound's wet dream, though the plot is so convoluted that even David Lynch is scratching his head in bewilderment.

THE DEVIL'S REJECTS...Clowns To the Left of Me, Chokers To the Right

The Devil's Rejects (NR) 2005

 
This movie has its own smell, contains more blood and filth than a Manson family reunion, and is so grimy it left a sticky film on my television screen.

Boys and girls, The Devil's Rejects is a thing of beauty.

Rob Zombie's sequel to his "meh" debut House of 1000 Corpses is a western-flavored, savage cinema feature that is saturated with body fluids and ill will. The story is such a cesspool that the DVD comes out of the case damp. To put it bluntly, even though it is more focused than its predecessor and takes place mostly in the light of day, Rejects is a very dark movie.

IRREVERSIBLE... Extinguish All Hope

Irreversible (NR) 2002
French with English subtitles


Before presenting you with another 100% guaranteed, talent-free review, here are three things about the movie you should know.

First, the story is presented in reverse order, meaning the beginning scenes come at the end and the end scenes start at the beginning. (This is only confusing if you try to follow the plot.)

Second, there are two infamous moments in the film that are so vile (each for different reasons) that no self-respecting fan of graphically disturbing movies should consider their viewing history complete without successfully enduring them.

And third, director Gaspar Noe included in the film a cameo of himself masturbating, which he claimed was to prevent critics from labeling him "homophobic." Unfortunately there is no word on what Noe would have done had critics threatened to label him "Mr. Poopy Pants" or had given him a swirly in the boys' bathroom between takes.

A HORRIBLE WAY TO DIE...My Boyfriend's Back and You're Gonna Be In Treatment

A Horrible Way To Die (R) 2010


Breakups. They're just the worst, right? You meet someone, invite them to coffee, help them move, tattoo their name on your neck, pay their way through college, and before you know it, you're planning a second date.

But then the trouble starts.

"Where was he till 4 a.m.?" You wonder.
"Whose blood is that on his collar?" You stew.
"Why does he smell like the mailman who's been missing since last Thursday?" You stew and wonder.

Inevitably the reassurances of "I love you," and "You know I only have eyes for you here in my pocket," turn into "I want space," and "It's not you it's me," and "I think I need to kill other people..."

Until once again you're left to pick up the pieces, or at least point them out to the local authorities, and move on. Leaving you to ask the same old question:

"Why are all the good ones always taken into custody?"

Well, if that's your story, then this snappy little independent film, A Horrible Way To Die, is right up your alley. And if not? It's still better than speed dating.

BIG BAD WOLVES...My What Big "Oys" You Have

Big Bad Wolves (NR) 2013

Hebrew with English Subtitles

Stop me if you've heard this one.

Guy walks into a dungeon to do some torturing, but just as he's lifting his hammer the phone rings. "I have to take this," he grumbles to his victim.

"It's my mother."

And there you have the essence of Big Bad Wolves, a quirky movie full of crime and punishment, and a healthy dose of chutzpa.

OLDBOY...Hammer It Home

Oldboy (R) 2003
Korean with English subtitles


So this whole eating of the live octopus thing.

Do you mean to tell me that in South Korea I can walk into a restaurant and order completely not dead cephalopods to stuff into my mouth like water balloons with eyes? How would that order go, exactly?

"Yes, I believe I will have the squirmy and definitely still alive slimy octopi please..."

"Certainly sir. And how would you like your octopi not cooked?"

I've seen a lot of disgusting things in my life, but eating something that has the potential to block your airways with its wriggling tentacles might beat out "Twerking" on the puke-o-meter. (If you have a preferred word for intestinal distress, please feel free to clutch your stomach and scream it repeatedly here.)

So yeah, there's that.

But hey! Why don't we go ahead and talk about the movie. Because despite it's culinary indiscretions, director Chan-wook Park's psychological thriller is truly a feast for the senses.