TERRIFIER

Not Rated
2017

Never one to pass up the opportunity to kill strangers and chop off body parts, Art the Clown grabs his Hefty bag full of rusty blades and hammers and dons his most dapper hat then heads out to wreak Halloween havoc on unsuspecting revelers. Two inebriated party goers encounter the rictus grinned lunatic on the dark street, who in turn follows them to the local pizza parlor. The girls are extremely uncomfortable, both because their slutty costumes are pinching their exposed bosoms and because the creepiest clown on Earth keeps staring at them. The mute killer is eventually kicked out for creating the worst (or best, I'm no critic) avant garde feces painting and before you can say "Pennywise is a poser!" the audience is subjected to scenes of graphic violence so intense Eli Roth would probably cover Dr. Mambo's eyes in disgust. Without anything resembling a plot or character development, this film is a test of endurance recommended for seasoned horror fans only. Because when it comes to Halloween, Art is not clowning around.

Terrifier Trailer

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

Rated R
2014

Spinal Tap meets Interview With A Vampire when a documentary film crew is invited to film the lives of three typical flatmates who argue over dirty dishes, complain about their privacy and drink the blood of the living. When a novice vampire with a habit of biting off more than he can chew is introduced to the sanguine group, all the paper towels in the world won't be able to clean up the bad blood. With bumbling coppers, insecure werewolves, and the funniest sunlight accident ever put to film, What We Do In The Shadows is a dark comedy you can really sink your, uh...Well, it's pretty good. 


What We Do In The Shadows Trailer

HATCHET

Rated R
2006

While at Mardi Gras, Ben and Marcus take a break from their casual misogyny and a sudden bead obsession to enjoy a nighttime swamp tour. But the college kid who runs the thing makes Gilligan and the Skipper look like Oliver Hazard Perry. Soon the boat is kaput and the tourists are stranded. Stumbling through the swamp they find the home of scary local legend Victor Crowley, who as a kid was caught in a fire, chopped in the face with a hatchet, and forced to wear really big overalls. Hilarity ensues as one by one the tourists are made messily incomplete by the real Crowley, a towering hulk of muscle desperately in need of a haircut who apparently abhors unannounced company. With gags galore, clever dialogue, and a surprisingly coherent story, this throwback to classic 80s horror is a solid entry to the slasher canon.  

 

Hatchet Trailer                            

                                                

RE-ANIMATOR

Not Rated
1985

Miskatonic University medical student Herbert West may be brilliant but he's also a bit of a whack-a-doodle, especially with the whole "decapitating the annoying professor" thing. But before he ever wields his deadly shovel, his glowing "re-agent" formula is used to bring to life his roommate's dead pet Rufus, a fabulously disgusting hunk of fur and claws. (Also known as "a cat.") Herbert's crazy experiments predictably get him barred from the school and more whack-a-doodleness ensues. Infamous for a scene that redefines "giving head" but not in a good way, this is the movie that made Jeffrey Combs a horror icon. Funny and, uh...very moist, Re-Animator is a gory good time.

Re-Animator Trailer

BLACK SHEEP

Not Rated
2006


A sleazy farm owner who really loves his animals (wink, wink) hires a mad scientist to secretly breed the perfect sheep from a top-secret lab which apparently has a security system just one step below your average iPhone. What comes as a surprise to everyone but the audience is that this new herd is quick, nasty and carnivorous. If they bite you, dying is a blessing. With clever dialogue, memorable characters and gore galore, this dark comedy is a wild and wooly ride. All in all, not ba-a-a-a-ad.

Black Sheep Trailer

THE GREASY STRANGLER...Grease Is the Word

The Greasy Strangler (NR) 2016


Jim Hoskings' completely ridiculous horror movie is part Pink Flamingos, part This Is Spinal Tap and part Scary-Guy-Covered-In-Axle-Grease-Exposes-His-Weirdly-Shaped-Genitalia-And-Murders-People.

A fried-food craving sociopath (played hilariously by former hair dresser Michael St. Michaels) and his middle-aged son (Sky Escobar) work together on the seedier side of Los Angeles. In order to eek out a living, they charge incredibly stupid people to take a walking tour of decrepit doorways and plastered brick walls that the pair claim are the sites of major events in the history of disco. The long-haired, prune-faced Big Ronnie delivers this made-up history with such a deadpan authority that one can almost overlook the big creepy bulge that protrudes from the crotch of his tight pink pajamas.

Almost.

TOKYO GORE POLICE...Armed To The Teeth

Tokyo Gore Police
(Tokyo Zankoku Keisatsu) (NR) 2008

Trying to top the carnage of his earlier films Suicide Club (2001) and Noriko's Dinner Table (2005), Yoshihiro Nishimura goes full-bore gore in this mutant military mashup that falls squarely between Blade Runner and Ichi the Killer.

Visually it's a gore-hound's wet dream, though the plot is so convoluted that even David Lynch is scratching his head in bewilderment.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 (FINAL SEQUENCE)...The Bitter End

The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) (NR) 2015

The Human Centipede: A crazy surgeon sews three people together ass to mouth just to prove that he can.

The Human Centipede II: A mentally disturbed garage attendant staples ten people together ass to mouth after watching the The Human Centipede.

The Human Centipede III: A fascist prison warden decides to sew 500 inmates together ass to mouth after viewing The Human Centipede II.

I don't have inside information on what the plot of a Human Centipede IV might be, but following the above pattern, I assume it would involve a guy in surgical scrubs sewing 1000 theater-goers together ass to mouth as they wait in line to purchase tickets to Human Centipede III.

ZOMBIE...Jump the Shark

Zombie (Zombi 2) (NR) 1979


There are any number of horrible film images that will permanently stain your psyche like coffee on a car seat. There is the alien playing "peekaboo" from John Hurt's chest cavity. There is the head of a bespectacled "scanner" exploding like a ripe melon. There is Kristen Stewart "acting."

But every so often a film comes along that leaves an actual patina on one's cerebral cortex. (Stop being so whiny and look it up.)  

Zombie is one of those movies.